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This Is Fiction!

The New Corporate Hustle Algorithm

Dan from IT has released a new version of the corporate hustle application, with a whole new algorithm directing our spontaneous activity throughout the day. This is version 3.0 of the application after our company adopted the Density system across all corporate locations. Pushing back on management putting Density units in every room, hallway, stairwell, and lobby across all 10 of our buildings, tracking the activity and density that exists across our company.

Taking advantage of the Density API, Dan’s team began sending out push notifications to everyone in the company, providing choreography for our activity throughout the day. We’ve all downloaded a mobile application they developed which provides us with real time direction, as well as a music playlist we can tune into if we so choose. If any room in any of our buildings is going unused, the application will make sure someone heads down there to occupy the space, sending the right signals to Density, which then provides the needed signals to the management dashboard, letting them know the space is being used.

If the hallways are suddenly too empty, half the meeting will be directed to dance down the hallway, around the floor, and back to the meeting, where the other half will do the same in the reverse direction. The alcove at the top of the stairs breaks out in dance-offs at least 20 times day to make sure there is activity at regular intervals. Any empty office gets a occupant working in rotation every 23.5 minutes according to the new algorithm. Just to mess with management we all shift from one side of the building to the other three times a day. The routines and soundtracks have become so well done that nobody questions what is going on anymore, you just do what you are told, and let the music play.

The first rule of hustle club is nobody acts like they know anything when asked by management regarding what is going on. Several employees were asked this week about what seemed like a conga line around the 5th floor last Friday, where everyone managed to keep a straight face, and acted bewildered throughout the interrogation.<p></p> The objective with the hustle algorithm is to keep management on their toes, disrupt this new investment in corporate surveillance gear, and most importantly, have fun each and every day. Fuck the man, and their desire to surveil and track on everything–we are damn sure, who will have the last word on this subject. You want to make sure space is used efficiently, we’ll make sure every square inch is efficiently put to use on a regular basis.

The best feature of version 3.0 of the application is the ability for anyone in the club to choreograph their own spontaneous activity and music playlist. Some team members are getting pretty good at coming up with creative uses of every space within the company, they’ve adopted entirely new roles within the company. Some of the heat map images have even been leaked, showing some interesting mail delivery workflows, “pair coding sessions”, and entirely new lunchtime activity. Helping us think differently about the office density that exists across the company by employing a entirely new hustle algorithm–keeping everyone on their toes, moving, and making management wonder what the fuck is going on across the organization on a daily basis.