It was 1997 and I had just recovered from getting busted by the FBI. I needed to get away, take inventory of who the fuck I was, and where this ship was headed. What better place to do it than Diamond Creek!
Diamond Creek is an sparkling, pure body of water that flows through some of the most desolate, hard landscape you can imagine, deep in the woods of the western coast of the United States.
I borrowed the parents truck and drove for hours, never going above 5 miles an hour, winding, bobbing and weaving through the scrub, seeking a familiar place from my childhood. A place I'd been many times before, spending days swimming, hiking, talking and exploring the wildness and our minds.
This trip was different. I was a tired and shattered version of my former self. I was not whole.
I spent 3 days, sitting on the rocks, trying to find a firm enough grasp on reality that I could return to society and complete the rest of my mission. I sat still for several days, contemplating, and becoming one with the rocks, water and sky. Suddenly I jumped up! I was done, back to the world. I jumped in the truck and made my way home.
Looking back, 16 years later, I realized that when I jumped up that day I left part of me sitting there on the rocks. A part of me was deep in thought, feet in the water, clinging to the rocks, not quite ready to leave.
This year, I felt the uncontrollable urge to go back to Diamond Creek. I assumed it was to go swimming in the deep clear pool, one last time. However when I got there, I realized the pool wasn't as grand as I once remember. The deep, crystal clear water is still an amazing, healing oasis, but not quite the wilderness bath house I recalled from my youth.
This time, as I sat on the log, dripping wet, shivering in the warm sun I realized I was here for something more than a dip in the water. I had left a piece of me there. Maybe I did this for a reason? I suspect it was a side of personality that couldn't survive the next 16 years in captivity. This was a thoughtful, but savage part of my soul. A creature that grows stronger in isolation and deserves to be abandoned, from time to time.
It was like seeing an old high school best friend, a seamless reunion that was intentional, and was planned long before this mission began. Things are now as they should be, renewed strength, reunited with a more fearless, and calculating part of myself.
I am ready for the next round. Bring it on...
